The Real Folk Horoscope

By Cody Lyman
Reader Columnist

Aries

Don’t forget that it’s your birthday.

Taurus

Sharing is caring, and you’re in need of some self-care. No one will appreciate you more than you for sharing yourself with yourself––your heart with your mind, and vice versa. Should you be feeling somewhat trapped in yourself, this is the only way to escape. You must look within yourself until you find yourself without yourself.

Gemini

Those who pull themselves up by their own bootstraps wind up throwing out their lower backs. Give a man a walking stick, he learns to have a crutch. Lend a man a hand, and you’ll have something to hold onto that, in turn, holds onto you, and returns the favor.

Cancer

We’ve been warned against mixing business with pleasure. For some of you, this is no problem; the line is blurry to the point of being arbitrary. As for those of you who resonate strongly with that principle, focus on a work of passion or a labor of love. The most comfortable place to sleep, until June, might be at your desk. Don’t force things. The answer you’re looking for is probably right in front of your face.

One example: If your name is DJ, and you’re having trouble deciding what you want to do with your life, why not consider becoming a disc jockey? That way your personal and professional lives will be more aligned.

Leo

Try not squirting yourself in the eye as you juice the lemons life has given you. The month’s mantra: My angel gives me the strength to learn from my demons.

Virgo

Instead of reading horoscopes, have you ever considered talking to somebody about it?

Libra

It takes one to know one. So, if you’re a know-it-all, you better be able to recognize other know-it-alls, or it is proof that you do not, in fact, know it all. Make sense? The solution is always a mixture. The truth is always the opposite of Occam’s razor. You have finally learned enough to start learning how little you know.

Scorpio

Get those hemorrhoids taken care of.

Sagittarius

People should care more, it’s true. But they can’t be forced to, and they aren’t going to do it willingly. You wonder if it might be possible to devise some kind of grand hoax that could trick the masses into being kinder to themselves and each other and everything more, for goodness sake. Well, let us know if you come up with any feasible ideas.

On a not so separate note: If abducted by the aliens, the best thing to do is, show no fear.

Capricorn

If you get confused, don’t let it bother you, and if it bothers you, don’t let that frustrate you, and if you get frustrated, don’t let this anger you, and if you’re already angered, don’t be saddened, but if you’re sad, then love is nearby, and you’ll have a choice: to laugh or cry.

Aquarius

It’s a good time to learn something new — gooder than most of the rest of the time tends to be, anyway. Give something different a shot, yea?

P.S. Your gut feeling is correct. It’s smart to keep things close to the chest. Airing out your bleeding heart will only attract vultures.

Pisces

This month, you will experience love at first sight. Or is it a breakup after the first fight? Maybe it’ll be both. I don’t know. It’s difficult to tell. Maybe I need to Windex the old crystal ball.

Cody Lyman was chemically engineered in a lab with orange walls to bring frustration and/or good fortune within your reach. Which will it be today? It’s anybody’s guess.