The Real Folk Horoscope

By Cody Lyman
Reader Columnist

Aries

Just because we can’t live in the past is no reason not to keep it alive. But you don’t have to try to keep it alive in order to keep it alive. Life itself remembers. Celebrate, then let go. In other words, don’t be a narcissist. Enjoy the Ride.

Taurus

Plenty of things in Life hang around after they’ve outlived their usefulness. Some people are born with vestigial tails. And most astrologers still talk about “retrogrades” like true phenomenon centuries after Copernicus and Kepler explained how planets only do loop-d-loops on charts, not in the heavens. But not this astrologer, he won’t.

Take this to heart, my dear Tauruses.

Gemini

As a kid, you wanted to be a firefighter. Now, summers you sling hotdogs at a waterpark, and sit in a cubicle making cold-calls all winter. Or you grew up to be that firefighter, but you live in California and too much of what you love is killing your passion. Maybe you’ve already planned your escape. Well, don’t stand there! Cliché of the year: carpe diem.

Just, you know — be realistic.

Cancer

It’s a common misconception that Atlas, in Greek mythology, held up the Earth. He was condemned to hold up the sky, actually. In one version, Atlas manages to escape by tricking Heracles (the Greek Hercules) to take it. In another, Atlas is there still, at flat Earth’s edge, still holding up the skies. Point being, let the gods worry about what’s what for a while.

Leo

I was staring at a head of Romanesco broccoli when I heard the man say, “There’s no such thing as originality.” He walked away before I could ask him what it was like to live in a world without time. When you get right down to it, Leo, every moment, every split instant, is brand new. You couldn’t be unoriginal if you tried. Don’t go getting a big head, though. Everybody knows one of those will only throw off your balance.

Virgo

Consider Ringo Starr’s (notice the surname) “Getting Better” your 2019 anthem. The catch: You’ll have to sacrifice one or two, maybe three, personal values or ideals to maintain the uptick. So, if you value fiscal responsibility, maybe buy a lottery ticket or 10. Counterintuitive, sure, but you might be thanking yourself later. You never know.

Libra

We all know the trope. Nerd finally stands up to zit-covered bully. Instead of fists, nerd uses words and wit, along with information acquired through grapevine about bully’s personal life. Bully, in front of classmates, embarrassed, pisses pants to further shame himself, and the dark splotch of denim, no matter what pants bully wears, can’t be un-seen, serves as his scarlet letter. Nothing much changes for nerd except getting stuffed in lockers even more frequently. Which are you, bully or nerd?

Scorpio

Sugar-coating things would be ill-advised for the early part of this year. You could get metaphysical diabetes. Barring a debilitating tension headache, the only bittersweet pills you should be swallowing is yourself. Wash you down with water, not rosé.

Sagittarius

Proverb for 2019: Don’t be an asshole.

Capricorn

Rough couple months? Holiday treats made you feel better, then you had too many? But you are strong, and have learned a great many lessons about your limitations. Someday you’ll even learn to apply them.

Aquarius

Feet planted in nature, head stuck in the supernatural, again, you’re a spiritual Stretch Armstrong. Elasticity knows no ends. As long as you keep your thoughts from growing minds of their owns and your imagination growing legs and running away with itself, everything should be fine.

Pisces

Some tips:

1) An adult beverage or two in the bathtub is therapeutic.

2) Booze in the bedroom is a syndrome.

3) Turn mirrors around, best to self-reflect with your mind instead.

4) Get good rest. Sleep without a pillow until sometime around May.

5) Take all advice with a grain of salt.