The Real Folk Horoscope

By Cody Lyman
Reader Contributor

Aries
You have the propensity to pull more wisecracks out of your buttcrack than is usual in coming days. You will also experience increased flatulence, emanating from you or those around you.

Taurus
Some of you have the urge to take some time to yourself and be alone for an extended period this month. Some of you slip and fall on the ice and hurt yourself enough to make that a reality.

Gemini
If you piss on everything that pisses you off, by the end of the month, you will have pissed everything away.

Cancer
Everyone should smile more. You are not the exception that proves that rule. So get yourself some activated charcoal toothpaste, eh? It will look like you strangled an octopus in your bathroom sink, but that is a small sacrifice to make for pearly chompers. And the stuff is good for them –– why, it says so right there on the tube!

Leo
When you cross paths with a black cat this month, don’t sweat it. Your true form is a lion/lioness, after all. Common house cats, stray, feral, or just out perusing the neighborhood, pose no threat, so long as you don’t cross the one carrying rabies.

Virgo
An article in Business Insider prophesies that holding onto your smartphone for as long as possible “ensures you get the most value for your purchase, and it sends a strong signal to the phone-makers as well.” Do you see?

Libra
Making a Plan B makes for a half-assed Plan A. All good plans have a built-in backup plan, however. You may feel like you are in reverse, but you are still moving forward. Indeed, you are backing slowly out of winter, and into warmer weather.

Don’t forget to breathe, and bathe regularly.

Scorpio
When you make a fool of yourself on St. Patrick’s Day, five out of 10 people around you will be too intoxicated or otherwise distracted to notice.

Sagittarius
If you’re the Irish subgenre of the sign, this month will hold you on a higher pedestal than other Sagittariuses, and thus you will be ignored that much more. Cheers!

Capricorn
Ride whichever wave rolls, unless it is an avalanche.

Aquarius
Before you go reinventing yourself (and I don’t mean by making a baby), maybe try reinventing the wheel, first. That should be a nice, easy warmup.

Pisces
Your horoscope in the Onion this week tells you an over-the-top joke. It is irrelevant, more or less. Vice offers a highly technical three-page analysis of planets in aspect. It is practical jargon. Freewill Astrology offers you an anecdote that applies as much to all the other signs as it does your own. I just thought I would do a little outsourcing so that you can rest assured you aren’t missing out on anything in the world of fate updates.

Keep it real.