By Cody Lyman
Reader Columnist
Scorpio
Life sucks, but you’re good. Or you suck, but life’s good. Or maybe some other vice versa-able combination where it’s extremely difficult to tell the difference between the two. 
Sagittarius
People live like they drive. And cars were meant to go until they brake.
Capricorn
When you get depressed this month, unbeknownst to you, everyone around you will hear this almost imperceptible hiss, like the air letting out of a punctured tire.
Aquarius
Backwards behaviors in the backcountry are rather straightforward. Thus I propose, the city is your backcountry. Survival tip: Moss grows on the backside of satellite dishes.
Pisces
About a third of your friends on social media are only half two-faced. That’s the best I got for trying to make you feel less lonely.
Aries
You can’t change the weather. But you could close that damn window.
Taurus
You’ll be in the zone to (contrary to earlier readings) fix Stupid this month, and perhaps even have the kindness in your heart to fix Mean. But if you come across Mean and Stupid together in one person, don’t bother. It is irreparable and an invitation to Sad.
Gemini
Somebody will tell you their sign this month and, when they do, you’ll tell them yours.
Cancer
There’s no right way, just a lot of wrong ways.
Leo
Someday they will find you caught beneath a landslide, in a champagne supernova in the sky… whatever the hell that means.
Virgo
Some people construe it as “pickiness.” You call it, “having standards.” Well, I guess you would know.
Libra
Tired of digging that particular hole? Imagine: One day you’ll pop out the other end. Then you’ll have a cool tunnel — and not a pit, dismal and painful at all — to look back on.
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