The Real Folk Horoscope

By Cody Lyman
Reader Columnist

Aries

Strengths can sometimes be weaknesses, as in the overly-optimistic person who gets disappointed more often than not, but who needs that very optimism just to get out of bed in the morning. The difference between a medicine and a poison is the dose. Like Oscar Wilde said, “Everything in moderation, including moderation.”

Taurus

If you feel strange, odd, or off somehow in some way, blame Planet Nine (still not Pluto again). Some people call it, Planet X. Planet X translates in Roman numerals, we all know, to Planet Ten. So, you see, there’s still a lot of confusion surrounding the thing. Indeed, nobody knows what it even is yet. Nobody has actually seen this enigmatic celestial object directly, but scientists say it likes to throw snowballs at our beloved sun here and there, every now and then. It could be a planet, a cluster of ice, a darkened dwarf star or just the solar system’s neighborhood bully. Whatever it is, it’s creeping closer and closer to Orion’s bow, which it’ll touch around 3000 AD. Yes, it’s perpetually retrograding through your dear zodiac. So expect that sense of terror and wonder to last the rest of your life. If you’re feeling uneasy about unknowableness and a lack of answers, you’re right at home.

Gemini

Watch out for cursed objects, such as your exes.

Cancer

You should be worried — preoccupied, even — with what Pluto and Neptune are up to out there.

Leo

A book titled “The Reincarnations of Christ,” by Edgar Ogelfink, published in the ‘90s, postulates that the Second Coming has already come and gone — not once, but 11 times. By some obscure mathematical method, he determined that the 12th was due to arrive any day now, or was possibly already walking on water among us. Ogelfink eventually became deluded with his life’s work, believing the 12th Second Coming to be none other than himself. Ogelfink drowned shortly before the turn of the millennium.

History may not repeat itself exactly. But it does rhyme. So be on the lookout for a long-lost friend or that kind of thing to show back up. You are in the midst of new beginnings, and will be for the foreseeable future.

Virgo

In medieval times, people believed comets were gods come to warn us and teach lessons, as many comets no doubt have. Now we know a little more about them, like that they’re just balls of rock flaming through atmosphere.

Scaling your lifetime up to a timeframe of 640x will yield a similar learning curve in the way you respond to things not well understood, of which there are three types: known unknowns, unknown unknowns, and unknown knowns.

Libra

On your way somewhere important this month, running late, an elderly woman, shuffling across the street, will give you a sideways glance. How you handle the rest is all you.

Scorpio

If you have a friend who’s a vegan, you’d be ill-advised telling their kids to say “cheese” before taking pictures at the birthday party. By the time you read this, unfortunately, it’ll be too late. Fortunately, the weather will be warm, so the opportunity won’t arise to invite your two tree-hugging friends over for dinner and smile at them as you stoke the fire in the wood-burning stove.

Sagittarius

Things probably feel like a clusterf*** at the moment. Such is life, quite literally. It loves to hornswoggle Itself. The universe provides, however, even whilst it conspires against. It has impeccable timing, too. It’s asking you to dance.

When looking for something more, look no further.

Capricorn

If you’re one of the Capricornian subspecies who happens to have one of the blood types O, A, B, or AB, positive or negative, you’ll be thirsty and needing water to make more of it this month.

Aquarius

Weaknesses can be strengths. For instance, maybe you don’t have the balls to come right out and be the dick you truly are.

Play to your strengths, steer into your weaknesses.

Pisces

You’re young at heart, extremely young. That’s why you find yourself curled up in bed in the fetal position a few days every few months.

Cody Lyman was chemically engineered in a lab with orange walls to bring frustration and/or good fortune within your reach. Which will it be today? It’s anybody’s guess.