The Real Folk Horoscope

By Cody Lyman
Reader Columnist

Aries

OK, so unless you were one of the two people who forgot it was your birthday until you picked up a Reader on said day and were reminded, last month’s horoscope was complete bunk. But, listen, it was those two who needed the attention. We all desire validation, see, and most of you have been getting plenty already, lately.

Metaphysical forecast: Expect the charm that’s been flavoring your head-headed determination to come and go through the end of the month, much like the rain.

Taurus

While dining out at MickDuff’s, you’ll see something you’ve never seen before: the puck in a hockey game, which will be playing on all six TVs simultaneously. Enjoy this moment. Next time you look, all you’ll see is a bunch of padded, helmeted men with goofy wooden mallets deforming perfectly good ice as they whirl around something invisible.

Speaking of. . .

Gemini

Astronomers captured the first ever picture of a black hole a couple weeks ago. Well, actually, they captured it a couple years ago, but it’s taken this long to make the data look like something we would recognize. That originally amorphous data was collected by a team of telescopes synchronized in several places around the globe. This is pertinent.

You currently have satellites surrounding you, metaphorically speaking, that will, if synchronized properly, allow you to see something you’ve never seen before or see something old as though you were seeing it for the first time. And with some creative extrapolation, you may even make something appear just how you envisioned it.

Cancer

Somewhere in the first half of the month, someone older than you will give you advice or tell you something that will give you a new perspective in life.

In the latter half of the month, you will find yourself with things more in order, enough to relax some and take in what we call the Holy Tetrinity: beauty, mystery, absurdity and memory.

Leo

You would also do well to observe the four above mentioned Forces To Be Reckoned With, but you’ll be hosting a Holy Pentad, if you will, because struggle’s going to be tagging along, as well. If your manifesting feels like it’s manifestering, just remember what Alan Watt’s said––“Let go!” Easier said than done, Alan, you’re thinking.

Some go through life like the monkey bars, only letting go of the last rung once they grab ahold of another. Others let go as though life were a rope swing. Some are born that way. Some aren’t. So try both. See which you prefer. Experiment. Predetermined zodiosyncrasies can’t infringe upon your agency to navigate such things.

Virgo

Stop worrying about money already! Be currency’s path of least resistance.

Libra

You may find it beneficial to take the path of least resistance, also. But in order to take the path of least resistance, you’ll find you have to construct it first, and that construction will find you encountering much resistance at first.

Scorpio

A study that showed that germaphobes are five times more likely to get sick than non-germaphobes has increased rates of hypochondria nationwide, another study showed . . . proving that more information isn’t always beneficial.

Sagittarius

Instead of reading horoscopes religiously, have you ever considered just talking to someone about it?

Capricorn

Like mirrors, stars can teach self-consciousness. If you stay aware, you can notice things — for instance, when Uranus is moving into retentiveness — and you can preemptively act accordingly.

Aquarius

With Jupiter being nearer to the Earth than any other time of the year, it’ll be all big and bright and shiny. You may find yourself inspired to look up at it and the other shiny things in the night sky. Let it happen.

Pisces

When life serves you up an extra order of worry this month, wash it down with another round of action. Act accordingly. You don’t have to go with the flow.

Try being slippery, and move against it.

Cody Lyman was chemically engineered in a lab with orange walls to bring frustration and/or good fortune within your reach. Which will it be today? It’s anybody’s guess.