The Real Folk Horoscope

By Cody Lyman
Reader Contributor

You have the propensity to pull more wisecracks out of your buttcrack than is usual in coming days. You will also experience increased flatulence, emanating from you or those around you.

Some of you have the urge to take some time to yourself and be alone for an extended period this month. Some of you slip and fall on the ice and hurt yourself enough to make that a reality.

If you piss on everything that pisses you off, by the end of the month, you will have pissed everything away.

Everyone should smile more. You are not the exception that proves that rule. So get yourself some activated charcoal toothpaste, eh? It will look like you strangled an octopus in your bathroom sink, but that is a small sacrifice to make for pearly chompers. And the stuff is good for them –– why, it says so right there on the tube!

When you cross paths with a black cat this month, don’t sweat it. Your true form is a lion/lioness, after all. Common house cats, stray, feral, or just out perusing the neighborhood, pose no threat, so long as you don’t cross the one carrying rabies.

An article in Business Insider prophesies that holding onto your smartphone for as long as possible “ensures you get the most value for your purchase, and it sends a strong signal to the phone-makers as well.” Do you see?

Making a Plan B makes for a half-assed Plan A. All good plans have a built-in backup plan, however. You may feel like you are in reverse, but you are still moving forward. Indeed, you are backing slowly out of winter, and into warmer weather.

Don’t forget to breathe, and bathe regularly.

When you make a fool of yourself on St. Patrick’s Day, five out of 10 people around you will be too intoxicated or otherwise distracted to notice.

If you’re the Irish subgenre of the sign, this month will hold you on a higher pedestal than other Sagittariuses, and thus you will be ignored that much more. Cheers!

Ride whichever wave rolls, unless it is an avalanche.

Before you go reinventing yourself (and I don’t mean by making a baby), maybe try reinventing the wheel, first. That should be a nice, easy warmup.

Your horoscope in the Onion this week tells you an over-the-top joke. It is irrelevant, more or less. Vice offers a highly technical three-page analysis of planets in aspect. It is practical jargon. Freewill Astrology offers you an anecdote that applies as much to all the other signs as it does your own. I just thought I would do a little outsourcing so that you can rest assured you aren’t missing out on anything in the world of fate updates.

Keep it real.

While we have you ...

... if you appreciate that access to the news, opinion, humor, entertainment and cultural reporting in the Sandpoint Reader is freely available in our print newspaper as well as here on our website, we have a favor to ask. The Reader is locally owned and free of the large corporate, big-money influence that affects so much of the media today. We're supported entirely by our valued advertisers and readers. We're committed to continued free access to our paper and our website here with NO PAYWALL - period. But of course, it does cost money to produce the Reader. If you're a reader who appreciates the value of an independent, local news source, we hope you'll consider a voluntary contribution. You can help support the Reader for as little as $1.

You can contribute at either Paypal or Patreon.

Contribute at Patreon Contribute at Paypal

You may also like...

Close [x]

Want to support independent local journalism?

The Sandpoint Reader is our town's local, independent weekly newspaper. "Independent" means that the Reader is locally owned, in a partnership between Publisher Ben Olson and Keokee Co. Publishing, the media company owned by Chris Bessler that also publishes Sandpoint Magazine and Sandpoint Online. Sandpoint Reader LLC is a completely independent business unit; no big newspaper group or corporate conglomerate or billionaire owner dictates our editorial policy. And we want the news, opinion and lifestyle stories we report to be freely available to all interested readers - so unlike many other newspapers and media websites, we have NO PAYWALL on our website. The Reader relies wholly on the support of our valued advertisers, as well as readers who voluntarily contribute. Want to ensure that local, independent journalism survives in our town? You can help support the Reader for as little as $1.