By Scarlette Quille
I received a few requests to write a “part two” to my most recent column entitled “Why Married People Secretly hate Singles.” In order to be fair, and because I loved all the awesome feedback I received, I decided to oblige.
If you are married, and you have the sneaking suspicion that your single friends may secretly hate you, I have provided some of the reasons this may be accurate.
1. You get to be fat. Since you have already gone out and captured your quarry, you no longer have to worry about being a lean mean predator on the prowl. You can relax, gain a few pounds and sail across a ranch dressing sea in a French fry canoe, enjoying the fact that your extra pounds do not affect the amount of dates you go on. You already have a captive date, ready for all occasions.
2. Tax Breaks. Seriously. How is it fair that you have presumably twice the earning potential as one lone person, and yet you get government discounts? Married people have their relationship acknowledged and receive federal perks for being married. I am not sure that I fully understand the logic behind this practice but it sure makes people angry. If you are a single person who makes decent money, you remain dangerously close to being poor, because you are paying taxes up the wazzoo. It’s like living alone is slapping society right in the face, and the more successful you are, the harder they slap. Married people get deeper discounts with every member they add to their tribe, even when it passes the limit of human decency. Duggars? Seriously, they should have been fined after they surpassed 12.
3. You get to spend someone else’s money. You have two people who work. You get equal say in the way the money is spent. New dishwasher? A trip? A car? A pair of new religion jeans? It’s all up for negotiation. One of you doesn’t work at all? The jobless person gets to spend the other person’s money. That’s a sweet deal.
4. Question Free Excuses. Your single friend asks you to go out and be their wingman, or Mom wants you to come over and see the latest addition to her vast ceramic animal collection? You get to say no. My spouse needs me to blah, blah, blah. It doesn’t matter what the spouse needs, just that you have one and they need you. That’s enough, you are off the hook. Also your spouse is legally obligated to corroborate the story. No single person ever gets to make an excuse with out the other party questioning it’s validity.
5. Sex Nights. You have them on the schedule. It’s weird. My married friends give me excuses for their lack of participation in activities like this: “Every Thursday night, is a no for me, I can’t play women’s league softball that’s sex night.” I get it that this swings both ways, I mean what if that is the only night you have sex? However, if you are a single person in a “dry spell” sex once a week sounds pretty good. Also you can plan for the sex, this means your attention to hygenic details such as grooming and hair removal only has to be on point, once a week. Seriously, let’s say you get in the mood on a non sex night—the other person can’t complain about your hair or odor, how were you supposed to know that sex was going to happen on a non scheduled night? There must be some comfort in that. Which brings me to the next point;
6. Hair removal. For a single person this day in age, it is practically an obligation to remove every bit of pubic hair from your body.Otherwise, you are not attractive. Even men have to “manscape.” Somewhere out there in this world right now there is a single woman on all fours on top of a raised bed, there is someone applying hot wax to her entire crack, and then planning on ripping it off. As she anxiously waits for the painful procedure to be over, she remembers a conversation with her married friend at the gym. The married woman is laughing at her hairy pits in pilates, because she hasn’t shaved for two weeks as her razor is dull. As the first layer of skin and pubic hair is ripped from the single woman’s nether regions, she thinks about how much she hates you, married friend.
7. Boys and girls “nights.” Single people do not understand this. Why must all “nights” have a name and an expectation attached to them. Girls Night, Boys Night, Sex Night, Family Night, Taco Night, it’s exhausting. These same sex gatherings typically end badly for the single attendees as we are expected to babysit our married friends as they act like they have been released from prison straight into the streets of Vegas. Girls night should really be called “Husbands watch the kids while we drink too much wine and complain about them Night.”
8. Pet names. This is what it is. I expect “Honey and Babe” as pet names that are pretty universal and often used to soften the blow of an indirect accusation. Such as “Honey, did you pay the water bill?” However the private pet names like Squishy or Big Man, shouldn’t be used in public, they are disturbing and leave your company wondering about their origins. It’s unnerving. There is only one exception to this that I have ever seen. My cousin and her husband call each other “Vern” it is such an innocent and androgynous name. Nothing weirdly perverse is instantaneously associated with it. They have been together so long that they have a unisex pet name that does not inflict nausea on innocent bystanders. This is enough to make anyone jealous.
9. Setting us up with your single friends. No-one wants you to set them up with your “single” friend. This is a bad idea. We get it, it would be nice if all your single friends were in a committed relationship with similarly scheduled sex nights and the like. However, often times your only prerequisite for setting us up on the date with the other person is that they are single. This doesn’t cut it. Also it’s a real pain in the ass when we humor you and go out with the guy from your work who is 15 years older than us and has an extensive collection of antique swords, and then you become offended when it doesn’t work out. Stop doing this, stop. If you must play matchmaker, at least ask for a list of criteria.
10. Shared Chores. Married people, there is someone else in your house who does tedious things like wipe counters, take out trash, and pick up groceries (If you are married and there is no one else in your house who does these things, you might want to evaluate that in some way. I do not carry the licensure to provide advice on those type of arrangements). However, I often fantasize daily on what it would be like to live in an environment where someone else, sometime, even once, folded laundry and put it away. Seriously, if that was going on in my house sex night would be like seven times a week and twice on Sunday.
See married people, there are things we singles hate and envy about you too!
Thank you for all the amazing feedback from my last column!
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