The Real Folk Horoscope

By Cody Lyman
Reader Columnist

Aries

It is what it was. It was what it is. There’s a time and a place for everything — this month being a time when some brow-deep brown-nosing could potentially get you a leg up at work, depending on your place of work, and your boss.

Taurus

You’re making some moves lately. Obviously, you could hardly be doing otherwise, seeing as how you’re alive. But, beware (which is really just “be aware” smooshed into one word, when you stop to think about it), watch out for old habits trying to trip you up — also untied shoelaces.

Gemini

OK, so you’re not a firefighter. I misjudged you. You’re actually a teacher who wants to go back to school, or a bank robber with dreams of becoming an officer of the law. Or maybe you’re doing something resembling nothing you ever hoped to be doing. Whatever the case may be, the message remains the same. Not acting on cognitive dissonance is the leading cause of cognitive dissonance. You’ve been dreaming the life. It’s time to start living the dream.

Cancer

Feeling crabby? Or catch the crabs? Then you are in tune with the spirit of your Zodiac. Breathe easy. Bad things can be good, and good things can be bad.

Leo

Fake people are real, they’re out there, they walk among anybody like anybody.

Thank you for doing your best not to be one. Keep taking the bad with the good as if you have a choice in the matter.

The second half of this year has a better chance of being better than the second half of the year four years ago if you think it’s not going to be.

Virgo

Are you the type who likes the good news or the bad news first? Do you typically see a half glass of water as half empty or half full? Well, make like the Second Coming and make it a glass of wine, for starters. You’re allowed a crutch this month (two work better), indeed, since you’ll be hobbling around with one foot in your mouth most of the time.

Libra

You’re the most unique person you know — kind of like everyone else you know.

Scorpio

I mentioned not sugar-coating things. Lay off the Snickers bars, too. Life sucks sometimes, yes. But a rough patch is better than a hole.

By the way, you’re likely going to get lucky shortly after V-day if you’re lucky.

Sagittarius

Get ready to make yourself look sillier than even you’re accustomed to this month — unless, of course, you happen to be born in the unlucky half of the sign, in which case you’ll feel right at home.

Capricorn

The stars have never lied before so, as long as they don’t start now, nothing should be getting much worse or better for you this month. As long as unforeseen chaos (like there’s any other kind) chooses to creep in, you’ll experience an equilibrium otherwise known as flux. Be not discouraged. There’s always next month — or, better yet, this upcoming July through September.

Aquarius

Catchphrase for the phase: quadruple L — Livers Love Living Life. This month is going to go down in history as the month when you lived this month. Right now more than ever before in the history of the Universe, you have the chance to accomplish something special. It’s going to be a year to remember. Diet recommendation: liver.

Pisces

Keep your freak on a leash. Pick your Spots carefully, as though opportunity were a puppy in an animal shelter. Speaking of which — if it’s companionship you’re after, and you have the means, why not wile out by adopting a furry friend instead? #noblerfetishes