By Owen Bolson
North Idaho has been under siege by space aliens, as it has been recently targeted as a place free from “galactic tyranny” for interstellar travelers of another kind. The aliens began arriving last year en masse, buying homes sight-unseen at above-market value and immigrating to Earth to settle in North Idaho.
Their presence in the region has caused some concern for local residents.
“I was born and raised in this town and I don’t recognize it anymore,” said Herb Johnson, a retired logging truck driver. “Used to be you could find a parking space anywhere downtown to go shopping or whatnot, but with all their flying saucers parking everywhere, I never see a spot anymore. Can’t they just hover or something?”
The aliens originally came from a distant galaxy of an unpronounceable name, referred to on Earth charts as Rigel 13. Blorp, the Supreme Commissioner of the alien invasion force, told the Reader in a telepathic interview that his community decided to move away from their home system because the galactic overlords were instituting too many onerous regulations for their liking.
“We have witnessed galactic tyranny that has torn our species apart,” Blorp said. “We heard that North Idaho was basically a free-for-all without regulations or rules, so we set our sights on settling here to build our next galactic empire.”
While humans sweat from various pores in their bodies, the alien life forms release “off-gassing” from their posteriors as part of their natural body processes. On Rigel 13, these off-gasses have built up in their atmosphere, creating an existential dilemma where the life forms are actually degrading their home planet to where it’s almost become inhospitable.
Blorp said that when the galactic overlords instituted a mandate for all alien life forms to wear a special filter over their posteriors to capture and scrub the toxic offgas before it can be released into the atmosphere, it was a step too far.
“They have no right to tell me what to wear on my mudge,” Blorp said, using an alien term for the posterior. “My mudge, my choice. Are we killing our home planet? Sure. But it’s our right to do it. We hope your local overlords will respect our wishes to not have tyrants dictating what we do with our offgas.”
The presence of these interstellar visitors has also shaken up the politics of North Idaho after Bonner County commissioners granted the aliens voting rights late last year, following the election of a Democrat to the county board. As a result, some treasured local institutions have since been voted out by Blorp and his invasion force. Since the alien life forms’ offsprings are born omniscient and possess all the knowledge in the universe — according to Blorp — the aliens have built up a sizable voting bloc to shoot down school levies and education funding in general. Recent votes canceled all funding for the Lake Pend Oreille School District, forcing humans to finance their children’s education with bake sales and change jars at local supermarkets.
The aliens, who all carry ray blasters on their utility belts, also set their sights on taking down the Festival at Sandpoint because some were turned away at the gate for sporting their weapons.
“We wear our blasters everywhere,” Blorp said. “Even while we offgas in your bathrooms. No one tells us to take our weapons off! We want to listen to your Earth music, too. Your oppressive laws will not deter us from doing what we want.”
At a special town hall meeting held last week, Blorp met with Sandpoint civic leaders to discuss how the two species would get along in the future.
“We have opinions that may not be acceptable to you humans, but you need to respect our right to a difference of opinion,” Blorp told those in attendance.
A woman from the audience took the floor next, saying, “I just think we all need to find a way to get along and — .” At that point, Blorp promptly vaporized her with his ray blaster and told the audience, “We do not accept this opinion. Is there anyone else who would like to speak?” The meeting disbanded shortly after.
With their numbers set to overtake humans in the coming months, Blorp and his coalition of aliens are primed to seize control of Sandpoint soon, he said.
“You have a lovely town here,” Blorp said. “Soon it will be ours and you will all bow to Blorp. Long live Blorp!”
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