By Scarlette Quille
If you are single, you know all too well that many of your friends and family are constantly badgering you about settling down. At times they even resort to acts of cruelty like forcing you to sit at the kids’ table during family gatherings. As a person who has stepped in and out of the single and married world more than a few times, I have experienced many unpleasant situations resulting from my unmarried status.
There was a time when I wondered whether married people actually hated me. My own investigations resulted in the top 10 reasons why this is the case.
1. Free Time: This is a loaded concept. A single person doesn’t have to explain why they chose to go on the full moon bike ride instead of making dinner, washing dishes or sorting the recycling. There is absolutely no one that needs to know what you are doing and whether or not it is productive. You only have yourself to blame. You may chastise yourself for “wasting” precious time, or just take a nap. Either way, you and only you has to deal with the consequences, none of which involve someone else being enraged by your lack of productivity.
2. Netflix: You are free to binge watch anything at any time. You do not have to decide on a series. You do not have to deal with any resentment over how many times you re-watch “Orange is the New Black.” You can dedicate full weekends to the consumption and analysis of any show from “Pretty Little Liars” to “The New Girl”, without having to compromise. You are always caught up on the latest episodes, or coolest new series. The Netflix world is your own personal wonderland. No one will ever complain about your nocturnal television consumption.
3. Master Bathroom: This is perhaps the most important item on the list. Whatever your bathroom situation is at your place of residence, the items in it and the activities that take place there are yours alone. No one else is privy to them.
The master bathroom is the worst concept in the history of architecture. Clearly the people responsible for this household addition had absolutely no desire for space or boundaries. The existence of a master bathroom is directly proportionate to people experiencing the following horrors on a daily basis:
a. Lying in bed while someone is taking a shit three feet away from you and likely leaving the door open afterwards.
b. Passing out while holding your breath while trying to brush your teeth before you leave in the morning—because you weren’t able to complete the necessary hygiene activities before your partner’s morning bowel movement.
c. The concept that you must have “equal space” in the shared area although one person has a razor, toothbrush and maybe a comb while the other has no less than 25 hair tools and 10 beauty products. This count doesn’t even include make-up or accessories.
Bottom line, having a toilet in the room where all the sexy time is supposed to be going down is contradictory at best. Single people, enjoy the solitude.
4. Refrigerator: As a single person, this can be filled with all your favorite consumable products. You live a peaceful existence knowing that your favorite ice cream is sitting comfortably in the freezer just waiting for the next time you need it. No one eats your food or leaves empty containers within this sacred space. You know that if you pick up a container, something is in it, there is no trick, no disappointment, only delicious rewards.
5. Judgment: Last Sunday you laid on your couch for the majority of the day. You did not wear pants or brush your teeth. You napped for four hours and spent two hours on the phone catching up with a friend from college. Yay, you! That was a good day, and no one ever has to know about it.
6. Pets: You can have the cutest, most annoying, hairy, expensive pet on the planet. You can speak to it however you want. You confide in this amazing creature who keeps all of your secrets and loves you unconditionally. People tell you all the time “dogs” are not kids or replacement for human relationships. You know deep down they are wrong, and your dog totally knows what you are talking about.
7. Sleep Patterns: Wake up late, go to bed early, take a nap. Never make your bed. Sleep on the couch, sleep on someone else’s couch. Sleep all day. Whatever, where ever, whenever, you can do it. Again, there is no one to judge or rob you of your precious rest.
8. Cooking: There is no expectation that you cook anything ever. For the most part, people believe you can not cook. If you are invited to a gathering anything you bring will be just fine, while if you are married, nothing less than a complicated casserole or exotic salad will do. Right now, somewhere, there is a woman trying desperately to make a dish to contribute to a gathering, that will make everyone in attendance believe she is a domestic goddess. This is in spite of the fact she has not even mastered grilled cheese. She hates you single person. Hates you.
9. Schedule: You are responsible for your own schedule. Anything that you need to do or want to do, can be placed during a convenient time on this schedule. You can do this guilt-free. You have options and do not need to comprise. If you want to golf all day Saturday, you make the call and no one can make you feel guilty for it. No one, that is, except for your mother, and there is no living situation on the planet that can save you from your mother’s perceived or actual disapproval. Sorry, this is what it is.
10. Organization: You can use your closet as a gun cabinet. You are free to have an art studio in the garage. Your filing cabinet can be a stack of mail anywhere in the house. You can color-coordinate your closet and polish your shoes at any point in your work week. These choices do not affect anyone. They do not cause arguments or hostile living situations. You are free to develop a personal organization system that works for you—whether it is rudimentary or sophisticated is not important. What is important is that no one will go around relocating your personal items. If you lost it, you do not have to delve into another human beings mind to try and figure out where your Sweetie Pie possibly moved your Julian Michaels DVD. The answer is conveniently stored in your own skull.
I hope that this has helped. Single people, you are not suffering. If you feel like you are on the receiving end of a married person’s frustration, feel free to indulge in a pantless Netflix session.
That’s all I have this week. I’m sorry to all the families that are trying to marry their children off. This was not meant to undermine any progress that you have been making with your stubborn single child.
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