Dumb of the week: Now with more fascism!

By Ben Olson
Reader Staff

There’s a lot to cover this week in the land of the Dumb, so let’s try to keep up.

Last week, before the convicted felon and sexual abuser Donald Trump was inaugurated to the highest office in the land, he peddled a meme coin, which is a functionally worthless asset that trades on speculation and hype.

Most crypto meme coins are an elaborate Ponzi scheme, redistributing wealth from stupid, greedy people to rich, stupid, greedy people. They’ve become famous for scams known as “rug pulls,” in which the developers run up the price and quickly cash out, leaving everyone who bought in after them with next-to-worthless assets (some might remember in the annals of Dumb, the “Hawk Tuah” influencer was recently sued over her own meme coin, which briefly soared to a half-billion-dollar market cap before falling 90%).

Trump’s meme coin (called $Trump) began trading at nearly $6.50 per token and soared to a peak of $72.62 before falling to $30 by inauguration day. Since Trump himself owns 80% of the coin’s supply (a big red flag for crypto investors), his net worth climbed more in one day than many S&P 500 companies have amassed in decades of doing business.

Not to be outdone, first lady Melania Trump launched her own meme coin, $Melania, on the eve of the inauguration, though the coin’s value has dropped 50% since it launched. 

According to CoinMarketCap, $Trump had a total market valuation of around $8.42 billion while $Melania’s stands at about $660 million. Both coins, it’s worth noting, have disclaimers on their websites that proclaim the coins are, “not intended to be, or the subject of” an investment opportunity or a security. 

Also before the inauguration, after months of Trump calling for a ban on TikTok because of data privacy concerns, the Republican-led Congress voted to block the social media app and the right-leaning U.S. Supreme Court upheld the move. TikTok voluntarily shut down service in the U.S. for… less than a day. In a fawning message posted Jan. 19, the company shared that it was in the process of reinstating access after dear leader Trump vowed to pause the ban by executive order on his first day of office. Shortly after, all of Trump’s minions reversed their positions from dunking on TikTok to saying Trump was a Gen Z superstar because he brought back the app. 

For those keeping score at home, this is like taking a ball from a toddler, then giving it back to said toddler just so the toddler thinks you’re a hero.

Hours before the inauguration, the Trump team announced it would be holding the historic event inside due to cold weather, leaving thousands of Trump supporters to complain on social media that their inauguration tickets would not be refunded because they were considered “commemorative.” So the people who voted for Trump because they couldn’t afford the price of eggs are pissed because they got scammed out of thousands of dollars it cost to travel to and attend his inauguration. Got it.

Moving on. After a fire-and-brimstone inauguration speech, Trump began his term by signing an executive order rescinding former-President Joe Biden’s executive order to lower prescription drug costs for Americans, which, among other things, capped the price of insulin at $35 per month. Imagine explaining that to your MAGA grandma: “No Nana, you’re now paying $1,500 a month for insulin instead of $35 because it’s more patriotic.”

It’s worth noting that it costs about $2 to $4 to produce a vial of insulin.

Next, Trump achieved the garbage human hat trick by pardoning about 1,500 criminal defendants charged in the Jan. 6 attack on the U.S. Capitol. This includes rioters who assaulted law enforcement officers. This includes rioters who broke windows and beat Capitol Police with hockey sticks, flag poles and various melee weapons. This includes insurrectionists who smeared shit on the walls of the Capitol, who ransacked congressional offices and erected a scaffold to hang then-Vice President Mike Pence. Trump also commuted the sentences of 14 of his supporters in connection with the insurrection, which includes individuals associated with the extremist Proud Boys and Oath Keepers groups who were convicted of seditious conspiracy.

Finally, Trump’s new best pal Elon Musk performed an actual no-bullshit Nazi salute during a speech celebrating Trump’s inauguration. Twice. 

The corporate media attempted to frame the salute as an “awkward” attempt at a Roman salute, but anyone in doubt should just watch the video and decide for themselves. Musk himself lol’d at the insinuation that he, of all people, would give a Nazi salute, writing, “Frankly, they need better dirty tricks. The ‘everyone is Hitler’ attack is sooo tired.”

OK, that’s enough. Time to take a shower.

Are we great again yet?