Dumb of the week: Big blubbery fascist monsters edition

By Ben Olson
Reader Staff

Popcorn sales spiked last week as two of the biggest toolbags in national politics decided to stage a cringe-inducing national breakdown. It was like watching an old Godzilla vs. Mothra movie, but in a bizarro universe where Godzilla was an orange-faced racist conman trying to sell you real estate and Mothra a drug-addled oligarch techbro who still considers himself “edgy.”

The Trump-Musk breakdown started like a house fire. Musk announced he was leaving his position as the self-appointed “DOGE-father” of the Department of Government Efficiency. He showed up at the Oval Office sporting a black eye — which he claimed his 5-year-old son gave him after being invited to punch him in the face — and accepted a gold-plated key from Trump that, as the president pointed out, he gave to “several different people.”

As it usually happens with anyone close to Trump leaving his orbit, Musk lobbed the first volley the day after his Dollar Store key ceremony with a social media post blasting Trump’s “one big, beautiful bill” as a “disgusting abomination,” and throwing shame onto those who voted for it.

The next 48 hours turned out to be more exciting than any Godzilla movie could hope to be. It was like watching two disgusting insects battle each other — no one cared who won, as long as they both lost.

Trump/Godzilla fired back by telling reporters he was “very disappointed with Elon,” and claimed the oligarch only started mouthing off, “when he found out we’re going to cut EV mandate.”

Musk/Mothra responded with a catty, “Whatever. Keep the EV/solar incentive cuts in the bill, even though no oil & gas subsidies are touched (very unfair!!), but ditch the MOUNTAIN of DISGUSTING PORK in the bill,” and also criticized Republicans for passing the bill in the “dead of night so fast that almost no one in Congress could even read it!”

Before Trumpzilla responded to that attack, Muskra wrote, “Without me, Trump would have lost the election…” and later wrote, “Such ingratitude.”

Musk famously donated $288 million to Trump’s campaign, proving the old adage of “You pay for what you get,” correct yet again.

Muskra then sent a schizophrenic series of posts on his X platform, including a poll asking if there should be a new political party in America, retweets of articles pointing at the bill’s impending failure in the Senate and writing that Trump only had “3.5 years left as President,” but Musk would “be around for 40+ years.”

Trumpzilla came roaring back with a post on his social media platform, saying Muskra was “wearing thin,” and that he “asked him to leave … and he just went CRAZY!” He then concluded by posting, “The easiest way to save money in our Budget, Billions and Billions of Dollars, is to terminate Elon’s Governmental Subsidies and Contracts. I was always surprised that Biden didn’t do it!”

Girl, no you didn’t!

Muskra retorted with, “Such an obvious lie. So sad,” followed by, “Time to drop the really big bomb: @realDonaldTrump is in the Epstein files. That is the real reason they have not been made public. Have a nice day, DJT!”

Ooooh!

Muskra then flexed his appendages and fired off another X-cretion: “In light of the President’s statement about cancellation of my government contracts, @SpaceX will begin decommissioning its Dragon spacecraft immediately.” The post has since been deleted and Musk later confirmed “… we won’t decommission Dragon,” which means the astronauts currently residing on the International Space Station will, in fact, be able to come back to Earth at the end of their mission. Phew!

Muskra then shared a video showing Trumpzilla at a party with Epstein with a “raised eyebrow” emoji.

Fanboys of both Trump and Musk filled social media with disappointed statements, the funniest coming from the imploded musician formerly known as Kanye West writing, “Broooos please noooo. We love you both so much.”

Musk has since deleted all the posts and, on June 11, wrote, “I regret some of my posts about President @realDonaldTrump last week. They went too far.” I guess the ketamine wore off. 

As these two blubbery monsters fought out their breakup on each of their own social media platforms, it’s important to point out that, yes, this is real. Yes, this is the president. No, this isn’t a nightmare. There is no waking up from this, folks. 

Lay in a supply of popcorn, lobotomize yourself with a ball-peen hammer and enjoy the show that never ends.