By Ben Olson
Reader Staff
In today’s foray into our World of Dumb, we’re reprinting an entire letter President Donald Trump sent to Norwegian Prime Minister Jonas Gahr Støre on Jan. 18.
About halfway through reading — when brain matter starts leaking out of your ears — you might be tempted to ask someone, “Is this real?” You bet it is, Bubba.
You might also ask, “How in the hell did we elect this maniac as president?” I don’t have enough time nor enough whiskey to answer that. All I can do is wake up every morning uttering the words, “What fresh hell is this?”
Without further ado, and with all formatting and grammar exactly as it was written, here is Trump’s staggeringly Dumb letter to Gahr Støre:
Dear Jonas,
Considering your Country deciding not to give me the Nobel Peace Prize for having stopped 8 Wars PLUS, I no longer feel an obligation to think purely of Peace, although it will always be predominant, but can now think about what is good and proper for the United States of America.
Denmark cannot protect that land from Russia or China, and why do they have a “right of ownership” anyway? There are no written documents, it’s only that a boat landed there hundreds of years ago, but we had boats landing there, also.
I have done more for NATO than any other person since its founding, and now, NATO should do something for the United States.
The World is not secure unless we have Complete and Total Control of Greenland.
Thank you!
President DJT
Whew. I’ll give you all a moment to transition back into the land of reality. Take a shower if you need to.
There’s a diesel truck bed full of Trumpian bullshit packed inside those few lines, but let me attempt to use facts to parse through the details. I know it’s a post-truth world and stating facts is like trying to forge a smartphone out of wrought iron, but I’m old-fashioned and believe facts still make excellent points:
• Trump’s lede paragraph is total gibberish. It’s merely a run-on sentence that ends without a conclusion. It’s the famous “Trump weave” that his supporters oddly liken to him playing 5-D chess, when it’s really closer to an old drunk with a load in his diaper rambling to a coat rack that he thinks is a person.
• Trump claimed “your Country” decided “not to give me the Nobel Peace Prize,” but that’s not how it works. The government of Norway has zero involvement with who receives the prize. Instead, it’s awarded by the independent Nobel Committee. Again: Not the Norwegian government.
• No, Trump didn’t stop “8 wars.” Several news outlets, including the BBC, PBS and the Associated Press have published lengthy articles poking holes in this bombastic claim. He’s lying. If he means he “started” multiple wars, he might be onto something there.
• Trump’s claim that Denmark doesn’t have a “‘right of ownership’” over Greenland because “a boat landed there hundreds of years ago” is so rich in irony it hurts your teeth. I mean — *looks around* — what do you think happened in North America? Also, try “thousands of years ago.” Erik the Red settled in Greenland after being banished from Iceland in the 10th century. Bonus: The first known Europeans to land a boat on this continent were Norse in the 11th century and came by way of — wait for it — Greenland. Swing and a miss.
• Trump refers to “no written documents” related to Greenland’s sovereignty, but that, after a simple Google search, is also wrong. Danish rights to Greenland were confirmed by the U.S. on Aug. 4, 1916 and signed by U.S. Secretary of State Robert Lansing.
The reality of this situation is dire. When Trump started bringing up “taking Greenland” in 2024, his supporters thought it was just a brilliant move to “own the libs,” and swore up and down on the internet he was just trolling people. Now, as European countries are sending troops to the island and Trump’s posturing becomes more and more erratic, it seems we’re headed to a point of no return. This is all about ego, folks.
After this ridiculous letter, it appears that Trump wants Greenland because he feels slighted at not receiving a Nobel Prize. Greenland and Denmark have stated in no uncertain terms the island is not for sale, nor will it ever be. Meanwhile, Trump is threatening to upend the alliance we’ve held with Europe since we fought fascists like him in World War II, all because he didn’t get an award he doesn’t deserve.
Can’t we just give him a tin trinket that says, “You’re awesome!” and exile him on St. Helena like Napoleon, where he can fill his diapers in peace and leave the rest of us alone?
