Battle of the burger dorks

By Ben Olson
Reader Staff

Occasionally, amid the constant drumbeat of negative stories about our crumbling world, the spotlight shines on something truly absurd to provide much-needed comic relief. 

Enter McDonald’s CEO Chris Kempczinski.

It all started when Kempczinski posted a video of himself eating the fast-food joint’s new Big Arch burger. Kempczinski — who resembles what would result if you typed “clueless vanilla dork CEO” as a generative AI prompt — sat down with the new burger and recorded himself giving it a taste test. Or trying to, at least.

Like a dad trying to manipulate his mouth to say Gen Z slang, dressed in a corporate sweater over a collared shirt, Kempczinksi’s promotional video was destined to go viral from the first moment. His unenthusiastic enthusiasm was evident as soon as the cameras began rolling. 

“Holy cow!” he said. “God, that is a big burger. … I don’t even know how to attack it.”

He then calls the burger a “product” several times like it’s a new insurance plan they’re unveiling before finally launching into his first “bite.”

“All right, the moment of truth,” he said, then took a tiny bite of the burger, er, product, and said, “Mm, that is so good,” with all the gusto of a fledgling actor auditioning for a role in an adult diaper commercial.

The video immediately went viral, inspiring hundreds of social media users to film themselves mocking Kempczinski’s “tiny bite” video. Each was more ridiculous than the last.

Then, the other burger CEOs entered the chat. 

Burger King President Tom Curtis posted a video of himself eating his company’s product, this time taking a bigger bite. Wendy’s President Pete Suerken recorded his own clapback, taking not one but four chomping bites and saying, “Now that’s a burger,” with his mouth full.

A&W spokesperson Allen Lulu filmed himself eating the oddly named Teen Burger from their menu, saying, “We love this burger product, which most people call a burger.” 

Kempczinski pushed back at some of the burger shade he’d received, clarifying that he’d already eaten lunch the day of the taste test, which is why he didn’t take a bigger bite.

But the internet refused to let it go, piling on more parody videos.

From a marketing perspective, Kempczinski’s video was very effective, because even if people were gently making fun of his performance, they were still talking about the Big Arch.

It’s worth noting that the biggest flop in McDonald’s history was the release of the Arch Deluxe in 1996. That burger, intended to appeal to adults, was introduced by McDonald’s spending a whopping $300 million (equivalent to $621 million in 2026 dollars) to market it. The marketing campaign didn’t work, though, and the Arch Deluxe was quietly discontinued shortly after launch. This was not only McDonald’s worst blunder, but is largely considered to be the most expensive product fail of all time. 

All that said, Kempczinski should have been pleased that his dorky video was generating interest, even if it was mocking, but he just couldn’t leave well enough alone.

“You guys are dragging this way too far,” Kempczinski wrote on social media. “I took a normal bite and somehow the internet turned it into ‘he didn’t even bite it.’ Everyone’s bite is different — not everybody needs to unhinge their jaw for the camera. Also, calling it a ‘product’ is normal. Every restaurant in the world calls their food products internally. Relax. It was lunch, not a competitive eating contest.”

That post, in turn, drew a jab from Burger King’s X account, which wrote, “Relax, Chris. Nobody asked you to unhinge your jaw! We just asked you to actually eat the burger. If one normal bite turned into a whole LinkedIn essay about ‘products’ and sensitivity, maybe the burger wasn’t the thing that was weak.”

That’s a charbroiled burn there.

In the 1993 sci-fi film Demolition Man, set in a dystopian future, the “Franchise Wars” were a fictional series of corporate battles that led to all chain restaurants dying off except Taco Bell, which became a fine dining experience.

Perhaps Kempczinski’s wee bite of a new product is the opening salvo leading to eating filet mignon at Taco Bell someday. Probably not, though. 

It’s just another absurd entry in the “is this real life?” era in which we live.

I suppose I’d rather have burger joint CEOs battling over who has the least mediocre hamburger than watching footage of U.S. and Israeli missiles killing school children.

But I’m an old fashioned guy who doesn’t call his burger a “product” and actually eats the whole thing, one bite at a time.