By Scarlette Quille
There are some of you who may be new to the area. You may be under the notion that the passing of seasons is typically accompanied by a change in weather. This is not a reliable method for season gauging. You may have moved to North Idaho expecting four distinct seasons. Unmet expectations are the beginning of the slow death of any relationship. So let them go. Seriously, let all of them go. Apply the concept liberally in all aspects of your life.
To help you through this current season transition, I have compiled a list of items that are far more reliable as a season predictor than the weather. Take note.
1. Shorter lines, everywhere. You start to notice that you no longer have to wait 15 minutes at your favorite establishments, including the liquor store, because the tourists have started migrating back to their homelands. Also, most locals are still hung over from their Festival bacchanalia, so getting a drink has never been so easy. However, your enjoyment is cut short when you realize that it still takes twice as long as it should to travel anywhere due to construction, and if that doesn’t slow you down, a train will.
2. You are far more concerned with the smoke forecast than the weather. The positive to this is that smoke-filled skies create beautiful sunsets. Also, poor air quality is a legitimate excuse to skip your daily run, if you are into that sort of thing.
3. Pumpkin spice everywhere — beer, coffee, lotion, incense, whatever. I get it, pumpkin pies are pretty good around Thanksgiving. I don’t want to smell like one, get drunk off one, or shop in 90-degree weather in stores that smell like cinnamon-stuffed squash. No one’s ready for that. It’s not even sock season yet.
4. Every store, and I mean EVERY store, has some sort of back-to-school promotion going on. This started in July. The only thing that isn’t on sale is booze, which when you think about it, is a huge missed opportunity. There is a real need for discounted libations this time of year. Think of all the parents who may be too poor to adequately self-medicate after spending several paychecks on back-to-school shit. Please consider the parents that just dropped off their kid at college for the first time — they might need a break from crying in their child’s empty bedroom. Ahem. I’m just pointing out, it’s a missed opportunity for an increase in revenue.
5. The ski bums and boarder “bros” start wearing beanies, despite the weather forecast being “hot as shit.”
6. Dead lawns. They are everywhere. Luscious lawns are no longer a priority. This is because if you water your lawn, it will start growing again and need to be mowed. No one wants to mow the lawn when you can’t even walk to the mailbox without a river of sweat flowing down your crack.
7. Multiple outfit changes. You may wake up to weather that is so freezing that you feel compelled to prematurely get out your flannels and Ugg boots. You may even put them on. By noon, you are wearing the equivalent of a crop top and Daisy Dukes. This outfit will likely have to be changed again by 7 p.m.
8. Guns and ammo. The only thing that is being pushed harder than school supplies is hunting gear. It’s time for hunters to start stocking up on hunter stuff so they can begin taking weeks off work, hiding in bushes and killing animals. You will know that fall is officially in full swing when the parade of dead animals in the back of trucks begins.
Farewell, summer 2017, you were like a disappointing love affair: hot and heavy and over too quickly.
While we have you ...
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