Weird Amazon II:

Valentine’s gifts for people who hate their significant other

By Cameron Rasmusson
Reader Staff

The last time we peered into the abyss of Weird Amazon, it was the Christmas season, a time of innocence. The ground was covered in white blankets of freshly fallen snow. We awaited with wonder the celebration of the Christ child—and the loads of presents we’d never use.

It is now February. The white snowbanks have melted into dirty, slushy muck. And we anticpate Valentine’s Day, a similar religious observance-turned-commercial extravaganza. The only difference is the childlike innocence is replaced by overpriced restaurants and lingerie.

Still, you can’t get too cynical about holidays that bring loved ones together, and Valentine’s Day certainly does that. So if you love your significant other, you should absolutely not check out these items culled from the land of Weird Amazon, where the shadows lie.

On a side note, I am now regretting including the 55-gallon drum of lube in the Christmas list. Hindsight being 20-20, it really belongs in this article. But then again, a 55-gallon drum of lube is the definition of low-hanging fruit for this type of article, and no one can blame me for plucking it.

Now, onto the list.

Novelty eroticaBernie-WEB

Every relationship needs the occasional aphrodisiac, and judging by the success of “Fifty Shades of Grey,” sexy stories fit that bill for millions. If you’re one of them, look no further than the e-publishing department of the Amazon empire.

Like everything else on the Internet, e-published erotica folded on itself into ironic e-published erotica. Consider dinosaur erotica, filled with titles like “A Billionaire Dinosaur Forced Me Gay.” And lest you question the genre’s literary merit, dinosaur erotica has its own Wikipedia page, so it must be legit.

Novelty erotica has become so prolific, current events are even subject to its greasy wiles. That includes the ongoing presidential campaign. Does the democratic socialism of Bernie Sanders turn you on? Perhaps you’ll enjoy “Bernie’s Desire,” an entry in the “Presidential Passion” series by I.I. Dene. Is Donald Trump more your speed? You might consider giving “A Trumping in the Night” a try.

Who knows? Maybe one day, we’ll all get our news in the form of novelty erotica.

Salami gift boxSalamiBox-WEB

The folks at Amazon seller Volpi need to get one thing straight right away.

“We are often asked, ‘What is your favorite salami?’” they explain, “and our answer is always the same, ‘We have about five salamis that we recommend on trying.’”

True to form, five salamis are exactly what you get in the Volpi salami gift box. Ranging from mild to spicy, it’s the perfect gift for fans of cured sausage everywhere. It’s a little spendy at $39, but then again, you can’t put a price on a good Valentine’s Day salami. Curiously, they don’t offer the option to arrange the meat in a bouquet like other Internet salami retailers. I only hope this lack of vision doesn’t blow back on Volpi.

Smittens Mittens Smittins-WEB

There are clingy couples, and then there are couples who purchase Smittens Mittens. This elegantly crafted set of mittens are double-wristed for more comfortable winter hand-holding. Normal gloves clearly won’t do, because as the universal rules of hand-holding state, “It doesn’t count unless it’s skin touching skin.”

Smittens Mittens are a terrific option for newlyweds honeymooning in Antarctica. They’re also great for diagnosing psychological disorders. If you’re worried you might be in a “Fatal Attraction”-type scenario, buy your significant other a set of Smittens Mittens and gauge his or her reaction.

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