By Scarlette Quille
This weekend is Valentine’s Day. This column is dedicated to the trials and tribulations of being a single person in Sandpoint. I could go on and on about the difficulties associated with being single in a small rural town. That would be easy. I am many things, but easy isn’t one of them.
The problem with Valentine’s day for most singles isn’t the fact that they don’t have a significant other. It is figuring out what to do on this day. Do you want to make a statement demonstrating your feelings about the holiday? Do you want to grieve silently? Do you want to keep your lack of a Valentine a dirty secret? Well good news, singles. I have compiled a list of Valentine’s gift ideas to yourself from yourself.
1. Nothing. Enjoy the fact that you owe no one. The average person spends $130 on their significant other on Valentine’s Day. You don’t have to do this. You can save that money. Or you can blow it at the casino—it’s basically the same thing as buying an expensive gift for a lover. You may win big, or you may end up losing your money, sanity and dignity. Either way, there is no commitment.
2. Information/data. Let’s say you are one of the people who gets horribly depressed because you have no lover. Let’s also say you hate the word “lover,” because honestly it sounds like something out of a ‘70s romance novel. I use the world lover because I have to use a neutral, all-inclusive term to define my readers’ different love interests, be it spouse, mate, partner or what have you. And quite frankly, lover seems the less presumptuous than the others. Ahem.
I am off topic. What I mean by “information,” is this: You are already depressed. Why not take a good long look at why you have been failing in the love category. Send a few text messages to your exes (this behavior is not only common but excusable on Valentine’s Day ONLY). Tell them you are doing research on your weaknesses, and that any information you receive would be put to good use. The recipient of the text will likely assume you are drunk and respond accordingly. Brace yourself, because you might get your feelings hurt, as this individual may have some pent- up resentment. What comes next may be useful information you could use to make yourself a better potential lover … or the ex may believe you are interested in a booty call. Either way your night just got a bit more interesting.
3. A day off for your various hairy places. Embrace your hair. All of it. Every last bit, quit trying to please other people by waxing, shaving, lasering and chemically altering your personal hair crops. Trying to eradicate your body of every last pube is something society embraced in the early 2000s. This practice reached full momentum aroud the time they stopped allowing kids to bring cookies to school parties, so clearly it’s part of some sort of greater conspiracy. There is no reason to do this. Your pubic hair ratio is not the reason you are single on Valentine’s Day. Listen closely, if you are a man, and you can’t grow a majestic hipster man bun/beard combo, it’s OK. If you are a woman, and you don’t enjoy constantly assaulting your nether regions, stop. Give your regions and yourself a break. It’s a gift that’s long overdue.
4. A well-thought-out advertising strategy. This is a gift that you should seriously consider. If you have a gigantic truck with tractor wheels and a useless accessories such as “stacks,” I am here to tell you that NO female is looking at this vehicle and saying, “He must have a huge penis.” Ladies, this goes for you as well. If the first thing that people notice when casually interacting with you at a grocery store is gigantic cleavage and sparkly ass pocket jeans, they are not thinking that you have an amazing personality and would be a good fit for their single son who is a doctor. Maybe this is part of why you are single, or why your dates aren’t working out. Start advertising for the types of clientele you would like to attract. The truck will only impress other men with big trucks, and the ill- fitting teenager clothes are only helpful if you are after casual sex or a relationship with someone 20 years older than you. You may need to hire an advertising consultant, so make sure you check their references.
5. Alone time. Learn how to please yourself. If you can’t figure out how to do this, there is no person on earth who can do it for you. Schedule a nice quiet night with yourself this Valentine’s Day, and figure out if you are the type of person that you would date. This can be an enlightening experience in more than one way.
6. A Celebration. Yes, throw a nice big party, sing cheesy love songs, drink too much, make some bad decisions. Celebrate the fact that you can PARTY your ass off and spend the next day hungover in your sweats. NO ONE will be disappointed with you. You are in a better space than MANY of your “in a relationship” status friends, who are likely feeling the cold hard wind of the silent treatment after disappointing their significant other. Feel free to bask in the warm glow of peace and contentment. No one is mad at you because you didn’t make a big enough deal out of Valentine’s Day. You win.
YOU ARE ALL MY VALENTINES … AND I LOVE … most of you, most of the time.